What did the Hindus say when mad cow disease came to India?

"The Gods must be crazy!"

What do you call an Irishman that's been buried for a thousand years?

Peat

Here are some more lame...umm...I mean funny jokes...

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SILVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

A grade one class is reporting to the teacher about their activities over the holidays.
Johnny Says, "I went on the choo-choo"

The teacher replies, "Johnny its not a choo-choo, its a train"

Bianca says, "I went away with my mommy"

The teacher replies, "We are in big school now and its not mommy, its mother"

The teacher then asks Timmy what he did.

He replies, "I went and watched Winnie-the-shit"




Little Johnny is in class one day and he asks the teacher a question 'What's so bad about Germany?'
The teacher has a freak attack and sends Johnny to the headmaster.
The headmaster is surprised to see Johnny in his office since Johnny is a straight A student and does well in all things he participates in.
So, the headmaster asks 'Johhny might i ask why you are here? you're such a good student, you get straight a's for all your subject and do well in everything you participate in'
Johnny replies 'Well, thank you Mr headmaster, but the reason i'm here is i was in class and i asked a question, Mr Mackey sent me to you'
The headmaster was outraged that a student could be kicked out of class for asking a question, so he asked Johnny what the question he asked was.
Johnny replied tentatively 'What's so bad about Germany?'
The headmaster has a freak and expells Johnny for asking such a disgusting question.
By this time Johnny is very traumatised and makes his way home.
He walks through thye back door and his mom sees him crying, she being a caring mother asks Johnny why he's crying and home so early.
Johnny told his mom that he was in class when he asked the teacher a question, he was sent to the headmaster for this and then he explained the whole situation to the headmaster who then expelled him.
The mother was rather angry that he got expelled for asking a question in class, after all isn't that why one goes to school? To get questions answered?
The mother was really puzzled since Johnny was such a pleasure to bring up and a joy to have around.
She was intriqued by what the question could be, so she asked.
'Johnny what kind of a question could get you expelled? After all, you're a charming little boy, you don't say any naughty words or give any back chat.'
Johnny replied anxiously 'What's so bad about Germany'
The mother had a baby right there in the kitchen. She sent Johnny to his bedroom grounding him for life and telling him his dad will sought this out when he gets home.
Johnny didn't mind being sent to his room since he had a computer, tv and playstation2 in there. He wondered why his mom didn't send him to her room.
So he waited in his room.
When his dad came home, he went to johnny and asked why he upset his mom so much.
Johnny replied 'Well dad, i was in class today when i asked a question, the teacher sent me to the headmaster who in turn expelled me. When i got home, i explained the story to mom who sent me to my room and grounded me for life'
The dad was rather amazed that his perfect son who made the starting line of little league got into so much trouble.
So he asked Johnny what the question was.
Johnny replied in a scared tone '..Whats so bad about Germany?..'
His father passed a kidney stone from the shock, and threw Johnny out of the window and told him to never come back!
Now little Johnny wsa rather traumatised from the whole experience, so he wondered into the bad parts of his neighbourhood.
He was later picked up by a passing cop, who knew little Johnny.
He was interested to find out how he got there and so continued to ask.
'Johnny why aren't you at home with your family?'
Johnny replied 'Well sir, today in class i asked a question, the teacher sent me to the headmaster who expelled me. When i got home i told my mother and she sent me to my room grounding me for life. My dad heard the story form me and then threw me out of the family and told me to never come back. So here i am'
The cop was pissed off that a family could be so harsh, after all, Little Johnny had no criminal record and helped out in the community wherever he could.
The cop asked 'What was the question?'
'What's so bad about Germany'
The cop stopped right there and threw him out of the car. Johnny was distraught and made his way across the road and all of a sudden got hit by a Putco Bus.

Moral of the story --> look left and right and then left again before you cross the road!

ph34r my l337 joke!

Setting: The Garden Of Eden.

This takes place after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit...

God: Eve, because of what you have done, you will have to pay! You will bleed for the rest of your life!

Eve: Can I pay you off in monthly installments?

( I love this joke! )

Sies! Lobo, that's disgusting. If you had to deal with it, that would not be nearly half as funny! Gah! <_<

I've always preffered the maxim:

- South Park

This one is gonna piss everybody off, but I'm gonna post it anyway:

It has been said that Hansie Cronje was buried and not cremated this week.
The reason: No one was prepared to throw the match!

Finally! Mystique makes a post over here!

It's just a joke in any case - and I do appreciate (for lack of a better word) what you women have to go through to maintain life on Earth.

I have my battle shield ready for when Angeldust reads it though! She is the feminist movement's

Don't tell me that was just to get us ladies to post? It's still disgusting.

And Merlin, careful there love Just as long as that isn't a personal motto...

Nah, it wasn't. It just poped into my sick little head at the time... Women have laughed at it before too. You are the first female I know to object like that to it, but like I said, it's just a joke.

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your damn attitude changes!"



Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them.

One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other said he could not tell.

Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling.

The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree.

He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!. Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Joe Hill and his new wife, Phyllis, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Joe could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Joe attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Joe shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Joe knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Joe carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Joe immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Joe Hill, and this is my wife, Phyllis. We've been hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Joe brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Phyllis and carries her downstairs, with Joe following closely. Igor places Phyllis on a table in the lab. Joe collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Joe on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Joe and Phyllis Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Phyllis Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Joe's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Phyllis sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master...

"Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Oh don't worry, dear... You know what my personal motto is ...

--------
A department store clerk was alarmed to see a blind man walk into the
store, pick up his seeing-eye dog, and swing it around in circles over
his head by it's tail. The clerk rushes over and asks, "Sir! Is
there something I can help you with?!"

The blind man says "No, thanks. I'm just looking around."
--------

As the person that sent this to me said: You gotta love it...

Here are a few...

A Budhist walks up to a hot dog salesman and says, "Make me one with everything"


A ventriliquist goes to visit his friend who is a farmer. While the farmer is showing his friend around, the ventriliquist decides to playa a prank on him. When walking past the cows, the cow seems to say, "Mr farmer. Your hands are so cold, can't you please heat up your hands before milking me?" The farmer is shocked and promptly promises to do so.
While walking past the chickens, one seems to say, "Hey, can't you come collect the eggs later, you always wake us up". Again the farmer promises to do so.
When they finally reached the sheep, the farmer turned to his friend and said, "Don't listen to the sheep. They're all liars!".


Did you hear about the ice-cream man who went to the blind Soccer World Cup?
He got kicked to death

Ray McAuley said to Hansie, "Faith can move Mountains"
He was wrong -sorry about that one, but i had to-

If you put an oriental in a chair and swing him around, does he become disoriented?

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Have you ever been to Hiroshima or Nagasaki? Its da bomb!

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were traveling in a packed 15 seater taxi in one of the SA famous big cities.

All passengers in the taxi were quiet after a long day at work. The taxi drove past an area where prostitutes were on almost every corner.

Asked the daughter "Mama who are those people?"

A difficult one for the mother......The mother paused for a while, trying to find an answer to the question. Replied the mother "They're sales people my child."

The taxi driver said in a very loud voice" You are lying, they're prostitutes"

The mother was not happy about the taxi driver's response and attitude.
After 30 minutes, asked the daughter" Mama do prostitutes bear children
too.?"

Replied the mother "Yes, my child, where do you think taxi drivers come from?"

Edit some more humour...

Neelsie betrap sy Pa en Ma in die kamer en vra ...
"Wat maak pa nou?"
Pa : "Ag ek gooi vir mammie net 'n bietjie petrol in !!"
Neelsie : " Jislike pa ... dan is ma baie swaar op juice, Oom Tinus het dan net gister volgemaak!..."



Some more...

A dark complexioned man finds a dusty old bottle in Soweto.
He dusts it off and a genie appears, offering him 3 wishes.
"E wanna de Maciedies" - Poof a big, black Merc appears.
"E wanna de beeg hows" - Poof a mansion appears.
"E wanna be white likka de baas - Poof he becomes white;
Lo and behold - Poof the car and the house vanish.
"How Wa!!! Wezma cah en hows?" To which the genie replies:
"You're a white man now, you must work for it!"

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated
each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard
deep into the night.

A frequent statement was heard by the neighbors, who feared the man
the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to
come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" The neighbors
believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats
and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed
the respect it garnished.

The man died abruptly under strange circumstances, and the funeral had
a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the
local bar and began to party as if there were no tomorrow. The gaiety
of her actions were becoming extreme, while her neighbors approached
in a group to ask these questions:

"Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried that this man who practiced
black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of
the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said, "Nah... let the old man dig . I
had him buried upside down!"

I know lots of jokes but here's one for a tribute to Tolla.
*Two men walk into a bar on sez' to the other
"hey ek din'k ni'e Djy' kan fokken van die d'jak af spring
en lie'we nie" the other guy sez "nai' man ek s'al djou'
somme' mos beat en ek sal djou wys ouk' " so the two
kapie blokes sit there and and the bar man looks at them
he say's " no ou'ens jul'le sal mos moet lekke ge-siup' vees
te sprin'g " so with that the bar man gives them a couple of shots and they are off to the ledge of the biulding a good 120 metres up and the one bloke sez " now bra' im going to jump " and the guy jumps ansd a fierce wind blows and he gets blown up and he lands on the cement and the second guy jumps and he hitsw the cement at a 100 miles per hour and the bar man sez " Jer're ek it nie ge'veet dat djy supa man was nie.*

Here is one i thought was pretty good



In the heat of summer, a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh, if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches...that fish will jump for the fly and I will eat him."

It also happened that a hunter was further up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish leaps for it, that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake. But I can tell you there was more.

A wee mouse by the the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time.

"Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches, and that fish jumps for that fly, and that bear grabs for that fish, and that hunter shoots the bear, and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich; then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish!...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich.

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The moral of the story is:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches, some pussy is in danger.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader
by the name of Abraham Com
did take unto himself a young wife by the name
of Dot. And Dot Com was a
comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she had been called
Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth
thou travel far from town to
town with thy goods when thou can trade without
ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were
several saddle bags short of a
camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the
towns and drums in between to
send messages saying what you have for sale and
they will reply telling you
which hath the best price. And the sale can be
made on the drums and delivery
made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let
Dot have her way with the
drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate
success. Abraham sold all the
goods he had at the top price, without ever
moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named
Maccabia did secret himself
inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider
trading. And the young men
did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy
horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich
Dominican Siderites, or NERDS
for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the
new riches and the deafening
sound of drums that no one noticed that the real
riches were going to the
drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who
bought up every drum company in
the land. And indeed did insist on making drums
that would work only with
Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started
is being taken over by
others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of
Ezekiel, or as it came to be known
"eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects
what we are,"

and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner
Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham.

And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore
after all.

St Peter, in a very worried state, called all of his
apostles and disciples to an emergency meeting because of
the high drug consumption problem all over the world.
After giving it much thought they reached the conclusion
that in order to better deal with the problem, they should
get the drugs themselves research them and then decide on the correct
way to proceed. It was therefore decided that a commission made
up of some of the members return to earth to get the
different types of drugs.Two days later the commissioned disciples
begin to return to heaven.

St Peter, waiting at the door, lets in the first
disciple:"Who is it?"

"It's Paul"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Paul?"
"Hashish from Morocco"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Mark"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Mark?"
"Marijuana from Colombia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Matthew"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Matthew ?"
"Cocaine from Bolivia"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's John"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, John ?"
"Crack from New York"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Luke"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring Luke ?"
"Speed from Amsterdam"
"Very well son, come in."
"Who is it?"
"It's Judas"
St Peter opens the door.
"What did you bring, Judas ?"
"The FBI, YOU MOTHER F@*#ers! EVERYONE UP AGAINST
THE WALL!"

Van wanted a new TV so he went to a TV shop. The salesman asked him
what he
wanted and he said a new TV.
The salesman said I've got the latest for you, no remote, all you do
is talk
to it so he asked Van to try.
Van looked at the TV and said, "CNN!" And CNN came onto the screen. He
then
said, "Supersport!" And Supersport came on. Van thought this is
terrific and asked the salesman, "How much does it cost?"
The salesman said, "$100 000."
Van said, "KAK!!!" And SABC1 came on.

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for
her
hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll
need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that
should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to.
After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What
will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."

Q. When is the only polite time to slap a midget?
A. When he says, "Gee, your hair smells terrific."
------------------------------------------------------------
Two friends in a Bar:
JACK: Joe, at what moment does your wife shout loudest during sex?
JOE: Uh, when I clean myself off with the curtains.
------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that got fired from the M&M factory?
A. She threw away all the W's
--------------------------------------------
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a
message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it
would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of
money! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother
in Poland!"

The man arched an eyebrow. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me."

He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close
the door."

She did.

He then said, "Get on your knees.."

She did.

Then he said, "Take down my zipper."

She did.

He said, "Go ahead...take it out."

She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The
man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well . . . go ahead!"

The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding
it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO . . . MOM?
------------------------------------------------------------
A nerd was walking on campus one day when his friend, another
nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first
nerd was stunned and asked, "Where did you get such a nice
bike?"

The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home
minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on
this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'"

The second nerd nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice. The
clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

------------------------------------------------------------

30 Pickup Lines That May Get You Killed

1. If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?

2. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.

3. If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

4. How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?

5. I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.

6. You are so fine that I'd eat your shit just to see where it came from.

7. My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

8. Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.

9. Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!

10. If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?

11. You remind me of a championship bass, I don't know whether to mount you or eat you!

12. Your parents must be retarded, because you are special.

13. Could I touch your belly button . . .from the inside?

14. I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I =3D 69?

15. How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.

16. Guy: "Would you like to dance?" Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you." Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants"

17. I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.

18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?

19. I love every bone in your body -especially mine.

20. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

21. Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?

22. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.

23. Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.

24. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

25. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

26. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

27.That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you I'd be coming too.

28. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.

29. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.

30. Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!

If Dear Abby was a Guy

Dear Abby:
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.

A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood. Abandon all wishes in this area, and make it up to him by buying a nice expensive present, and cooking a nice meal.

**************************

Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.

A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by buying a nice expensive present . . . and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.

**************************

Q: My husband to be, still pines for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be faithful.

A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

**************************

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.

A: This is perfectly natural behavior - and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

**************************

Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.

A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved? If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.

**************************

Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him. A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin. Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you. Best thing to do is to thank him, buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

**************************

Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to talk.

A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his love-making is, and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him. Buy him a nice, expensive present, and cook him a nice meal.

**************************

Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.

A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you. Return this love by buying a nice, expensive present, and cooking him a nice meal.

that is bloody brilliant lobo...

u might of seen this already but here it goes..

Windows 98 source code finally available ... but don't tell anyone.

/*
TOP SECRET Microsoft? Code
Project: Chicago™
Projected release-date: Summer 1998
Original Version date : Aug 1994

*/

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL HARD

char make_prog_look_big(16000000);

void main()
{
while(!CRASHED)
{
display_copyright_message();
display_bill_rules_message();
do_nothing_loop();
if (first_time_installation)
{
make_50_megabytes_swapfile();
do_nothing_loop();
totally_screw_up_HPFT_file_system();
search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
hang_system();
}
write_something(anything);
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
do_some_stuff();
if (still_not_crashed);
{
display_copyright_message();
do_nothing_loop();
basically_run_windows_3.1();
do_nothing_loop();
do_nothing_loop();
}
}
if (detect_cache())
disable_cache();

if (fast_cpu());
{
set_wait_states(lots);
set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
set_mouse(action, jumpy);
set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
}
/* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
/* printf("Welcome to Windows95"); */
printf("Welcome to Windows98");
if (system_ok())
crash(to_dos_prompt);
else
system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp", 0_CREATE);

while(something)
{
sleep(5);
get_user_input();
sleep(5);
act_on_user_input();
sleep(5);
}
create_general_protection_fault();
}

/* Win98 boots faster, performs stronger, stays up longer with
VIAGRA.DLL */

19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, 'May I borrow a highlighter?'

2. Say 'Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.'

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, 'Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.'

5. Drop a marble and say, 'Oh shoot! My glass eye!'

6. Say 'Damn, this water is cold.'

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, Now how did that get there?

9. Say, Humus. Reminds me of humus.

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, 'Whoa! Easy boy!!'

11. Say, Interesting....more sinkers than floaters

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, 'Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?'

13. Say, C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, Boy, that sure looks like a maggot

15. Say, Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your Cross-Dressers Anonymous newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, Peek-a-boo!

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing Born Free.

l8ter

Women comebacks: *g*

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female inpersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unferrtilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.


L8ter

Girls reaction to penis size 9" oh no, that hurts 8" yes, yes.... 7" ohhh yessss, perfect 6" push a little harder 5" are u in yet? 4" oh for fuck sakes, use your tongue

Heard this one to day, it's a bit long winded, but hey...

It's the 2006 soccer world cup. Brazil vs. England. Before the match Ronaldo walks into the Brazilian change room to see all his team mates sitting there pretty glum. He asks whats wrong and they reply that they only have to play England to win, which is going to be a real walk in the park sop there's no point in even getting worked up. So Ronaldo says "Why don't you guys go down to the pub and get a drink and I'll take the British on by myself, I mean I am the best. The team mates like this idea and decide that they'll wait a couple of minutes into the game, and if everything goes well, they'll leave. So 5 minutes into the the game Ronaldo scores. The team thinks this is pretty cool and all head for the pub, Leaving Renaldo to take on the British alone. A couple of hours later the team decides to head back and discover that Beckham scored in the last 2 minutes to cause a draw. They get to the change room to see Ranoldo cry his eyes out. They ask him whats wrong and he replies "I let you guy's down". A team member replies "How can you say that, you single handedly drew with Britain, thats apsolutly brilliant". Renaldo replies "I know that, but I got red carded and sent of 12 minutes into the gaem!i!"

Male comebacks for the female comebacks

Some very silly jokes........

Phone answering machine message
"...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Gladwrap for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
And he said, "No, the steaks are too high."
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong
currant.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
>Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
>-------------------------------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can
you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, "You're round."
The other one says, "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice."
>--------------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
> >--------------------------------------------------------------------
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number
to climb as digging continues into the night.

Cool Irish joke there Neo ...



A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.

"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof.

Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"

"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.

"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"

"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."

These are a bit gross, but I laughed.

Q. What's pink and white and sits in the corner getting smaller and smaller?

A. A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you fit 1000 babies in a bath tub?

A. With a blender.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you get 1000 babies out of a bath tub?

A. With cornchips.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's white and squeals?

A. A peeled baby in a bag of salt.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's blue and purple and is at the bottom of the swimming pool?

A. A baby with slashed floaties.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What's blue and red at the top of the swimming pool?

A. Floaties with a slashed baby.

-----------------------------------------------------------

I never said that they were funny, just that I laughed ...

sheeesh!!

you dont have your own kids do you ?

Parents with kids take these differently. I remember that they were funny before I had kids, but now it gets me a bit. But then I just take it with a pinch of salt.

Reminds me of the old joke about the survivor that eats its way out the abortion bucket. And on that topic did anyone see Special Assignment on SABC3 last night. It delt with the Congo Genocide. There was this one woman talking about laying under all these corpses for a few days and she lived. Pretty gross. Ghaaaah.

They dont bug me per say.

but as you said , I as well stopped telling these kinda jokes after I became a parent but that wont stop me laughing at them.

The Corn Chips one was funny

Hows about a sic joke??? Read no further... (me & my twisted mind).
***************
Paul goes to a diner and orders the special - cold chili. "Sorry," the
waitress says. "The man next to you got the last bowl." "I'll just have a
coffee, then," Paul replies. After a while he sees that the guy is done
and that his chili bowl is still full. Paul asks, "Are you going to eat
that?" "No," the man replies. "You can have it if you want."

Paul takes the bowl and starts eating. When he's about halfway done, he
finds a dead mouse in the chili and pukes into the bowl. The other man says sympathetically, "Yup, that's about as far as I got, too."
***************
Yummy!

One for all the employers (aka slavelords) out there.
*****************
A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you Justone.""Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone."Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

One for the guys...
****************
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. "Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac." "I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour." "That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
****************
I thought it bloody brilliant.

Now, now - the blondes always get ripped off, don't they?
********************
Two brunettes and a blonde are in the hospital awaiting the arrival of their first children. The 1st brunette says, "I just know I'm going to have a girl, because I conceived while I was on my back". The 2nd brunette says, "Mine's going to be a boy, because I was on top during conception". The blonde says, "Uh-oh! I'm going to have a puppy!"

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?" The cop answers, "You're in Texas, Son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car." The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here." The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true." The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me! "

Great one this too...
*****************
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said through the PA, "Captain Harvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one of the women hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." The flight attended responded, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."

A day in the life of the Jones....
*************************
Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him that his wife was in a terrible car accident. He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife has been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the Doctor asks. "Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?" The doctor sits next to him and says, "not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine." "Oh my God" says Mr. Jones. "What is her prognosis?" "Well Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable, however, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability to feed herself. This means you will have to feed her." Mr. Jones begins to sob. "And, you'll have to turn her in bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia." Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly. "Then of course, you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder, and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day." Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs and wails. The doctor continues, "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincter. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly." Now Mr. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mess. Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder and says, "Hey, I'm just f*cking with you.....................She's dead!"
*************************
I guess that's one way of breaking the news to someone so that they don't feel all that sh!t, eh?