This Thanksgiving I've been getting a lot of well-wishers and people asking me what I'm thankful for. What is wrong with you? How can I have a happy Thanksgiving, when I can't watch the Great American Sport on a 67in. plasma TV? What do I have to be thankful for when I don't even have at least an entire turducken to eat? I can't, and nothing, that's how and what.

Thanksgiving is about parades, football, and gorging yourself so full that you have to have a forklift move you from the table to the living room so you can enjoy a great game on a big TV. I'm sitting alone in my apartment tonight, eating ramen noodles with chicken mixed in. (For the holiday) I don't want this extra time to think about how much my life sucks. I want to be pigging out on a smoked ham bigger than my neighbor's dog.

Rather than wishing me a happy Thanksgiving, how about a little sympathy here? I'll also be taking donations. You can make my Thanksgiving a happy one by sending me a 22lb. Butterball turkey. If you cook it beforehand, just make sure that it gets to me nice and hot. You can probably use Domino's. They get their pizzas to me hot and oven-fresh, I'm sure they could do the same with a turkey.

I am having a horrible Thanksgiving, and only a heaping plate of pig, mashed potatoes, and gravy-soaked bread mush will make it any better. However, that isn't going to happen, so I don't have a single thing to be thankful for. My holiday is completely ruined.

Just for something to do, and because someone I respect and love more than anyone else that's ever existed or ever will suggested it, (I couldn't possibly be talking about myself) I decided to go work at a Soup Kitchen. (How much am I getting paid?) I figured I could at least be with some people who were more miserable than I was, thereby making me feel a tiny bit better, but everyone there seemed so excruciatingly happy. What is wrong with you people? You're poor, and you're at a charity organization for Thanksgiving! The least they could have been was glum, but no, they were all smiles and thank-yous. I even think I heard a laugh or two. Smiles are pretty, but can I stuff my gullet with them? I ended up even more miserable than when I'd went. All that work and not a single dead bird in return.

Before you wish me a happy holiday, maybe you should remember that I didn't have one. You can kiss my ass. (Please don't.) I don't want to hear about what you're thankful for. That's not what Thanksgiving is about. It's about vast amounts of American food, great American sports and gregariously ostentatious American parades. (America.) Just like the 4th of July is about blowing up beehives, Christmas is about getting expensive presents and who has the most power-draining light display, and Valentine's Day is about getting sex for chocolates, roses, and/or diamonds, depending on how long you've been together, Thanksgiving isn't a holiday unless you come out of it with a great feeling of satisfaction.
And I don't have one.
So piss off.

Dude, you have a sick and twisted world perspective

But that's fine!

Did your team at least win?

To add to the whole satirical depression, let's say no, they lost horribly.

I'm pissed.

Razor's got serious competition!

All the better. Keep things going dude, its funny to see someone with such a twisted view on the world post.

All we need now is for BR and LV to have an argument.

Wouldn't that be a sight to behold

Go cowboys They kicked ass

I hate the Cowboys. The tyrants.

Sorry you had a crappy Thanksgiving..but it could have been worse...they always can be.

But good call on the Cowboys. I also hate them and really hope that they start losing some games.

Is there some way for this to be moved to my blog? I'm asking those that would know and/or have the power to do so.

copy & paste

I think he was referring to the whole thread

Millenia has some sense, but, thank you, Paul.