Firstly some general shark facts.

You have more chance of being killed by a toaster than a shark.
Worldwide millions of people use the ocean recreationally every year but there are less than 50 shark attacks.
An individual is three times more likely to be hit by lightning than to be bitten by a shark
Of the over 400 different shark species, fewer than ten are considered potentially dangerous to humans.

That being said, lets save a few lives with the following great information on avoiding shark attacks.

How to survive a shark attack this holiday

1: Don't swim in the ocean.

Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water also known as oceans. The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.

2: Listen out for the music.

In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music, as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film Jaws. All shark attacks are preceded by the "daah-da, daah-da" chords, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. This is due to the Doppler Effect.

3: Swim with fat people.

Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. If you know them well, you might even try to switch their suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce. This will definitely improve your odds.

4: Don't go into the water without a knife.

This is not to defend yourself but to stab the person (a.k.a the decoy) closest to you in the case of a shark attack. Once you are sure the "decoy" is bleeding profusely.....swim for your freekin life.

And finally.....

5: Don't panic.

In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. This really won't help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate you not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling.





Kinds of Shark Attacks

--The "hello" bite.

Sharks are not equipped with the appropriate vocal devices to hold a proper conversation. Often, they are just curious about the weather. Always watch the latest weather report prior to entering the ocean, and be ready to shout this information to the shark. They may still bite you, but it would only be a "thanks" bite, which is not nearly as dangerous.

--The bump and run

Often, the shark just needs a dance partner. They are very proud, such that even though all sharks are uniformly poor dancers, each one thinks he or she is quite good at it and will refuse to dance with other sharks. The shark probably thinks you are a seal (seals are very good dancers.) So if the shark bumps up into you a couple of times, do your best seal impression. If he is sober, he will swim away in a few minutes. If drunk, the shark will dance for quite some time, and then attempt to mate with you.

--The cinematic bite

Easily the most dangerous type of shark attack, this only takes place in the presence of movie cameras. The shark will either pull you dramatically under the water, letting you go long enough to scream and then pulling you under again, or, he will come up out of the water and eat you whole. On film, it's remarkably dramatic. Unfortunately, it is also somewhat lethal.”

Thats classic
"swim for your freekin life" rofl

Thank you for the shark survival guide, it is definitely going to help me as I drive through Canada.

Brilliant. that brought a chuckle. nice one Paul

Yeah - sharks do like their seals allright

Here you have a picture of a great white attacking a seal

photoshop ftw

no - this is real

The seal is a cute little fury thing, usually with Divetek flippers.
The biggest problem is that most of those seals are armed with MP5 or M16 guns to shoot at sharks and people that want to club them for the fur.

rotfl