Being a Schum fan, I regularly read, "Schumi's Sekret Diary", which is a tongue-in-cheek look at what Schumey might say if he wasn't concerned about such trivial things as professional courtesy, rules, other drivers opinions, politeness and the FIA!

Enjoy!

Schumi's Sekret Diary: 2007
Saturday December 30 2006

Hello to all the tifosis wherever you are. It was not my idea to give a message to all my loving and devoted fans for New Year. As you will know, his holiness gives his traditional message to the faithful from his home in Italy. I did not really want to compete with Jean Todt and his message to the tifosi from Maranello, but I was contacted by my local branch of the Samaritans.

They told me that this is an especially dangerous time of the year, where vulnerable people with no hope at all do desperate things (though I think Juan-Pablo did this in July not December). Those people who had been looking forward to a season of me, had nothing.

I have been spending Christmas as usual with Jos Verstappen and his family. Jos now enjoys calling me an F1 "has-been" and I enjoy very much calling him a "talentless Dutch bastard who only ever got two podiums". It is all taken in very good spirit, especially when I do my "91! - 91! - 91!" chant - referring to my GP wins and "154! - 154! - 154!"chant - referring to my GP podiums.

Also we have to be careful when we pour the brandy on the Christmas pudding and set it on fire because it always reminds him of his Hockenheim pitlane fire in 1994.

I also beat him at Forza Motorsport and Project Gotham Racing on the XBox. The snowball fighting was a draw, but I won the skiing race. Lieblings Pudgie Wudgie says that now I am retired I am even more competitive than ever, but I think she is just a sore loser at Pictionary. And also at Cluedo, Twister and 'Grab Hippo Grab!'

The good news - as you may have been reading on your websites - is that I will be taking a strong interest in the technical side of race weekends and helping to analyse the data as it is logged. Luca Baldiserri's team will send me all the information from the cars so I can give my Schumi input.

At least this is the story they are giving to the press.

In fact, I will be driving the Kimi Raikkonen car.

Many moonies ago journalist (and one of the world's biggest ****holes) Andrew Davies almost discovered the best kept secret it in Formula 1. Kimi Raikkonen is not a real person. He is in fact a robot. Davies started calling Kimi "RoboKimi" on account of the way that he spoke like a speak-your-weight machine.

If you asked him a question he only had one of three responses, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the Terminator. This is because he only has a number of words programmed in, with no variation in tone. Also, he never shows emotion.

To make him seem less like a robot the McLaren team invented all sorts of stories about his extreme and wild naughtiness - that he liked to go binge drinking with his mates and that he tried to expose himself at a lap-dancing club. This was all a covering story. I can reveal that he did not drink to excessive and smash bottles after races, they put him in a crate with the car and shipped him home.

Now that he has moved to the Ferrari team, it is our chance to operate him.
And so, during grands prix, they will give me a virtual Ferrari cockpit to drive in at Vufflens Le Chateau. This will be linked to several high-definition cameras on the race car, so I will be able to see the road ahead and the cars behind. The perfect simulator in fact.

I can spend my grands prix in air conditioned luxury, sip cocktails during pit-stops and even finish early if I am a long way in front. It is a great way to go racing.

So if you are missing some Schum action in 2007, all you have to do is look at Kimi Raikkonen's car - secretly it will be me! I hope this will cheer you up. Put those pills down, return that razor blade to its protective packet, unhook the pipe from your exhaust. I am back - but keep it to yourselves, okay.
The Schum

Source: http://www.planet-f1.com/News/Story_Page/0...1807551,00.html

This is brilliant. Good find.

You should read some of the older ones!!

I laughed so hard at a few of them that I got stomach cramps! :

Trust me, I will read them.

All this talk of F1 is making me impatient. I cant wait for the new season to start. I'm really looking forward to see what Kimi can do with the prancing horse and how Alonso fairs with "unreliable" McLaren. Oh.... Its going to be a great season of F1.

Still...Wish The Schum was there though. F1 just wont be the same without that guy!!!

You mean, you can't wait to see Schum controlling the RoboKimi? haha. There is a F1 thread. I will find the link for you later.

Clickity click for F1 Madness

Thanks, cyfer! I see from your last post that you don't like Alonso! Join the club, I cant't stand him either! I have nothing against Spaniards but Fernando is teh scuk!!

I also love reading those worth a good laugh every week. It also just shows how much the media need him since it is still going on even after he has retired.

It is true that they need him. Just imagine how much money the media is going to still make of him, even though he isn't there.

CyberStorm, don't like is a slight understatement for my feelings towards a certain alonso...

The Schum is a cash cow! The "Schumacher" brand will make money for Ferrari 50 years from now! He is a living legend! I know he has his detractors and many people will disagree with me here, but as an F1 driver he is simple the complete package!

His record speaks for itself!!

Indeed, he even had contraversy.

He sure did!

I still believe that had he not, "parked" his car on the track at the end of his qualifying lap at Monaco and been relegated to the back of the grid - and finishing fifth - he would be an 8-time world champion!

That for me was a major turning point last season.
Monaco simply handed Alonso 10 points allowing him to increase his lead over the Schum by 6 points!!

Yeah, that was a bit harsh. I am not a Schum fan as such, but I think that was the wrong thing to do. All I can say is that if he really did that on purpose he really has a lot more skill, and balls than I thought. To stop that close to the wall.....

I know everybody makes mistakes - but that to me - seemed like it was on purpose!

Who you rooting for this year to take the title?

haha. I haven't supported a driver since Senna "left". I just don't want Alonso winning, so anybody else would be good. So long as it isn't Button.

I think either Kimi or Massa will take the title this year!
LOL @ Button! He has more hype surrounding him than skill!

The british ITV commentators really love praising Button. For god's sake, he has one only 1 race!
If you didn't watch F1 and heard some of their commentary you'd swear that Button was world champ!

It is not just for Button though. It is for any british driver. Just wait and see what they say about Hamilton this year.....

A british driver in a british team! Thats a match made in heaven! LOL! Can't wait!!