Dear members:

I am very stuck at where to turn these days and after seeing your agony aunt section, i hope you can help me. I am 25 - Ive never had a girlfriend (and of course im still a virgin) and often get very depressed about it, in fact I feel suicidal often but would never actually do it.

I've been on and off anti- depressants for a few years but haven't had any for about 3 years. I don't want to take them again.

Ive had chances with girls but im to terrified to actually go through with full sexual intercourse. This is why I call it a phobia, i can't rationalize it.

I don't know what to do. Please help, and please don't make fun of me or have stupid comments because you wouldnt want to be in this position yourself.

JM

JM

I'm pretty sure you're not alone on this issue, so don't feel that you are.

I'm no psychiatrist, but I doubt antidepressants work on this "phobia" as you call it. But as well, I doubt that it actually is a phobia - I think you're just unsure, and so begin to panic.

The right girl at the right time will happen. Maybe not tomorrow, next week or next year, but she's out there somewhere and the right time will come for you and you won't feel anything other than pure natural emotions and feelings. It will no longer be a matter of having to "think twice".

I reckon that when the time is right, you'll know.

If you do really feel strongly about this, maybe go and see a GP who could recommend a visit to a clinic that can specialize in your problem (if you want to call it one).

All the best.

Welcome JM.

Can you provide more in-depth detail on how you feel?

What types of thoughts are going through your mind?

Is it a form of anxiety or is a physical inability?

Is it emotional?

How do the symptoms of the "phobia" manifest?

I am going to reply as subtle as possible and I am not pointing fingers or pinning things on you, merely giving my personal opinion and hopefully help.

First advice would be to go see a psychiatrist and talk about your 'phobia' or 'problem'. That is if you haven't seen one already and if you did maybe try switching to someone else to see if he / she can help you.

Secondly the most common issues you have as a grownup are related to events that happened in your childhood (Freud and all that), maybe something that a girl once did prevents you from going further with them or making contact with them at all (merely suggesting)? Or was it always like this (or as far as you can remember?).

I don't know how your social skills are (friends area) so I wouldn't know if it is just a case of girls or the whole social area. I remember growing up and lacking the social skills and always wondering if I would ever get a girlfriend, I never bothered with it or desperately went looking for one. Just one day it happened and since that I didn't have any problems with meeting girls at all. Now note that I am not your social light, I seriously hate being around people (especially those that I do not know) and try to avoid situations like that.

Like toasted said though, things like that happen by themselves (you can always force it but I am sure that doesn't always turn out good) and there is no age bound to it (although society seems to have their ideas). Do not get bothered with what people think or say, it is you that has to lead the life, so take pleasure out of who you are and let people like you for who you are (unless you are a true asshole I suggest not changing for the 'better').

It is easy to say to people " Don't feel suicidal or depressed" because most of them do not know what it feels like but try to look at the positive side of life (cliche I know), good things happen if you wait for them and they always tend to come out of the most unexpected corners / places / situations.

Thanks for all your quick replies.

Basically, I feel a bit useless. Look, I do know I'm wanted - otherwise I wouldn't really have had the opportunities like I have had. But also remember, it's not just sex, I haven't been able to even have a relationship. All my "opportunities" were would-be one night stands, and even though it's never really happened, its doubtful that that sort of thing would fulfill me. I wanted the security of a relationship.

It's not like I don't try either. Socially, I'm fine with everyone, except women that I'm attracted to and that are attracted to me. I wouldn't really call this a "physical inability" as milano suggested. I want to have sex, (and I'm able to - if you know what I mean), but as we reach that "moment", I start to get this immense fear, and chicken out.

I've never seen a psychiatrist before, so maybe I should try that out as you guys suggested. To be honest though, I cant remember any childhood events that could cause this - however, I have heard of people being able to block out events that have happened to them, and it's only through a psychologist, or psychiatrist that they can come out.

Fine, I understand you all say "She'll come along when it's time". But, surely 25 years (and counting) is a hell of a long time for Miss Perfect to show her face? That has just become so cliche for me, because Ive heard it from so many people that I've actually lost count.

Strange how you say that you are socially fine and than you still can't get with chickies because of your 'fear' or whatever it is that prevents you from doing it. You say you are wanted, surely one of them ladies should be wanting more than sex? It is probably a case of misunderstanding, maybe something is keeping the ladies from a relationship with you?

I really don't know, try the shrink thing and tell us how you are doing (progress etc). I seriously wish you all the best and hopefully some love may come along at last!

Firstly: JM as Toasted said, you are not alone, always remember that.

I dont know you're situation and not going to try and make anyone think that i know it, but the way i see it, you shouldnt try and go for a relationship right away, first try and and be a friend to "women you find atractive", get comfortable around them,this will probably take a looong time but im sure it will be worth youre while, when you feel more comfortable when your around them, i'm sure youll find it easy to be more than friends.

Dude it's not just waiting to find the perfect person... are you sure that you are attracted to WOMEN? maybe the oppsite sex is your facy (don't take this the wrong way it's merely a suggestion)

The mental block might have been childhood issues...

or maybe you have in your mind made up an image of what sex should be like yet yoou fear that it doesn't meet your expectations

Sex shuldn't be the only thing to think about there's more to life than sex and if it happens let it happen don't force it

Hi.

I was in a smiliar predicament to you but with totally difference circumstances. My life became such a boring routine, sleep, eat, work, come home, eat, sleep that the years litterally flew passed me. I wasnt LOOKING for companionship, but it FOUND me totally unexpectedly at age of 28. Yes you heard right, you dont hold the record for the oldest non committed male.

Dont fret about it, it'll happen. Dont TRY to make things happen, itll happen naturally and take its natural course..

good luck friend

Hey JM

Have you had one or many good friends that are girls? If so, have you found yourself being interested in them and not getting that interest in return? The reason I ask, is that this is a common behaviour for men who seek female companionship, but are afraid of rejection or sexual performance.

Do you think you might be scared of how you will fare in the sack? Do you have fears of premature ejaculation, or not meeting the girl's expectations of you? If so, you can be assured that every guy has ups and downs, and good women are understanding of this. Best advice: get a bit drunk next time you reckon you have a shot at getting some legover... it will really take the edge off.

Good luck dude. You're definitely not alone - there are many other guys like you out there, and you should be proud that you had the courage to ask questions about it.

Dude dont feel like your the only one, I had like 2 girlfriends in my lifetime, I used to game everyweekend and party all week. Was extremely sociable and got on well with everyone of any nature (gangsters, slick guys, Jocks, geeks, normal people etc. etc. etc.) Spent my life just going out with friends, going to clubs, doing Ice-Skating, MTB Racing, Gaming, working etc. etc. etc. Not having a chick never really bothered me because I was always doing something I enjoyed.

I know it's a cliche but it does just happen, if you knew the circumstances of how I met my now wife you'd hose yourself. It just happened and I just went along with it and everything happpened from there.

First time for me was at 22!!! yea your at 25 but seriously if it didn't happen for me i'd still be a virgin and still would be messing about with other shit.

Now i'm happily married. Just hang in there it will all work out for the best.

BTW Welcome

I know this story very well. Yes things happen in the most amazing ways, and W( at )RP( at )T}{ is a prime example of how things can just happen. One day you will meet this person and you will "click", "hit it off". i.e. You will have a connection and you will start calling each other constantly, sending loads of sms's and getting to know more about this person in no time at all. then your friendship will progress. Being a virgin at 25 is nothing to be worried about. It is something to be PROUD about. Waiting for that 1 special person is the best thing that you can do, and you will understand that better when it happens. I know people who are 30+ that are still Virgins.

I think you should do things that you enjoy. Go out with mates, do sport etc... This will then show that you are happy and then woman will be more attracted to you.

I will never understand what it was with "lose your cherry first". First time was as good as injecting glass shards into your vein.
JM...no need to get depressed man. I know older virgins...true not all of them are priests. Live your life the way you want it...aint nobody going to tell you its the wrong way. Stop worrying about it...if you aint looking for it it will come to you.