now this is quite an interesting thought - and i don't quite think i've processed it all for myself yet, but here goes ....


3 years ago i came back from london, and left my bestest of best friends over there: richard.

the friendship was everything that a relationship should be, except for the sex. we shared absolutely everthing - we worked together(the same shifts), went out together, literally did everything together. there was the question of his sexual partner(note the words sexual partner - they just had sex[shallow i know]), that got a bit jealous of the amount of time that we spend together.

to cut a long story short - i came back - he stayed there ....

i had a huge surprise waiting for me one evening. one of my friends phoned me to ask if we can meet for coffee. got to mugg & bean - she sat down, we started chatting, and suddenly someone has put their hands over my eyes - u guessed right the guy that i still think is the perfect man...

and this i only realised with a bang then [stupid i know :/]

meeting his new (or new to me) girlfriend, actually enjoying the conversation(she's the kinda girl that i'd wanna have for a friend), looking at rich .... it all got a bit much for me

i lasted the evening, slept over at theirs, said a quick goodbye for a day or to(was gonna see them again that thursday), bawled my eyes out on my way to work(i've never looked so bad in my life) and suddenly i had to process these feelings quite quickly ....

i don't know if it's luck or not that they decided to go live in cape town - i'm so afraid that i would have tried something and ruined a wonderful friendship - but i know nothing that is build on someone else's tears can last

i discussed this with one of my friends, and she uttered the thought that it might just be nostalgia for the wonderful times we had - but i've never been so confused in my life (and believe me - i've been throught rough, happy, exstatic downright nasty times in my life so i had reasons to be confused before this).

and my big questions is:
a.) should i have said something ?
b.) wtf do i do now that i realised it ?
c.) bla bla bla


there is so many questions, and i get more confused the more i talk bout it - so how bout some comment from u guys ?

this sounds more like the insane babbling of a looney person

should i have said something ?

yes

you have to take the risk, or lose out It's happend to me plenty of times and I usually beat myself up over it, what if I'd have done that or this etc It's not worth beating your self up over just move on.

It is better to have tried and failed, than to have never tried at all.

hmm, very good question, rix. As it happens I am in a similar situation with a friend of mine. I have known her for almost 4 years know, and during these 4 years we have become very good friends. The last couple of months, however, i have started to develop romantic feelings for her and now find myself in a very difficult position. Should I:

a) Just keep on going as it is, pretending nothing is wrong
b)Tell her how i feel, and risk losing the wonderful friendship that we have
c)just break all contact with her.

Now, the situation is a little more complicated than just this, but i am not going to go into everything here now. Suffice to say that b) is not really a option for me at this stage.

So that leaves me with a) or c). With a), I sometimes find myself in a state of extreme depression - the whole effect of knowing how i feel about her, and that i can't be with her.

And I can't do c) - i've tried this before, and could not keep it up. I thought about her everyday during that time - and just couldn't bare not having contact with her.

So where does that leave me? In short - the jury is still out on that one.

i've just been in the same situation as you

tell her how you feel, believe me, if she means that much to you and vice versa then she wont push you away.

the only consideration is whether you would be able to handle the unreciprocated feelings and want to maintain the friendship.

the big problem is that i can't really tell him how i feel, 'cos he's in a relationship atm.

if i think back on it we would probably have hooked up in london already if it wasn't for the fact that at any given moment, one of us had someone else(as he broke up with his g/f, i just got involved with a guy).

so i guess i already know the answer, i just don't wanna except it

I'm going to say something here, and it might seem tough, and it might turn out to be wrong, but we base our lives on personal experience so here goes.

For the longest time, my mom and this other guy were close. And im talking real close, as you described. They never actually dated per se, this was quite a while back, but everyone even my grandparents were expecting them to get together and announce a marriage any day. Next thing, he has a girlfriend, and then got married, and my mom married another dude and had me - guess it worked out well then. Point is, he was seeing another woman at the time, and despite the fact that she may have been in love with him, and still might have a part that is in love with him, she did what was right, which is respect a decision he had made. He chose to go out with her, and as you said she is a nice person. jumping between an existing relationship, i dont personally believe is right, unless said relationship is destructive or potentially dangerous which you dont seem to say this one is.

To this day my mom still refuses to tell even me if she loved thay guy or not, but i know she still has every single letter he ever wrote her. She doesn't still love him, cause her and my dad are like a couple from a movie - and therefore sometimes it works out to do what's right. Sometimes it doesn't pay off. Point is, most times, within yourself you know what's right...that's the path to take, as far as im concerned anyway.

Hey Rix:

You must going through something awful inside yourself. FWIW, you have all my empathy and the following two cents worth.

You have to ask yourself some very difficult questions: What is more important to you- That he knows how you feel (regardless of consequences) or you know you feel? It might sound a bit arb, but if I may, let me explain. You express confusion in your post, especially since your friend said you might just be nostalgic (and that in itself can be a pretty powerful feeling) and you are not to sure if thats true. You also mentioned earlier in your post that while in London, his previous sexual partner became jealous for all the time you spent together with him: Perhaps you are mirroring what the previous partner felt, jealous at the new girlfriend for all the time she will be spending with him (A feeling of "That used to be me, DAMMIT, it should be ME!!!). What I am driving towards is that if you are feeling confused over what it is exactly you are feeling, the question of telling him what you feel becomes moot:Once you know exactly what it is you feeling, then you can safely decide how that feeling should be expressed, a decision that hopefully becomes clearer once your inner confusion quiets down.

Perhaps it is a good thing he moved away from you, allowing you the time to clear you head. Perhaps it will turn out that you have missed his presence in your life, and that this rush of emotions was only just that: A rush knowing he was back, filling the spot in your life that was empty while he was away.Perhpaps its just pure possesiveness, or it might turn out to be more.

I do realise however that this is all from a complete stranger, and I hope I havent insulted you by trying to speculate on what exactly you are feeling. I do hope however you find resolution, in whatever form it turns out to be.

I find the context in which you talk about your mom's ex-boyfriends to be EXTREMELY strange. Who exactly told you this information if you weren't even born at the time?

tnx Ninja Mo and W1D0WM( at )K3R - u both make valid points, and all so true.

but let me make something very clear - there is no way that i'd go out of my way to hurt someone(in this case his g/f, 'cos that's gonna happen even if nothing happens between me and rich), and one of my philosophies has always been: "never try to build ur happiness on somone elses unhappiness - it never works". and the girl is very nice - the type of person that i'd like as a friend, but inside of me i feel like i'm lying to both of them - mainly i guess 'cos i know i feel more for him than just friendship.


i guess a bit of jealousy enters into the equation, but if learned in the past three years that i haven't seen him, to live without him ... u have to understand that he is truely the only person on this planet that understands me. and i don't just say that 'cos of the feelings i have for him, but it has been noted by a few of our mutual friends.

me and his girlfriend (lee), had a bit of a talk - and she started to talk bout one of his other friends that they have seen since they came back ... apparently she made a huge pass at rich then she added: "but of all his friends, u r the only one i'm willing to trust."
then it came out that i actually have seen her before - just haven't had the time to get to know her .... she was on my farewell party the day before i left. so u see, she got to know us as very close friends - and didn't think anything strange when i started to cry when the time came for them to leave, or when i send msgs that says: i miss u - she thinks its natuaral *sigh*.

:/

Rix - I can offer a different point of view for you ... what could happen if you do go for it.

Well, I've been through this exact situation. The difference being that when I met her, she was going out with someone (who was in our circle of friends), and continued to do so for 3 years thereafter. Her and I were best friends, and when her relationship was falling to pieces, guess who was there to lend a soggy shoulder? I had always liked her romantically, and had kept quiet about it for over two years until her relationship looked dodgy, then I told her. It was quite wierd at first, and our relationship definitely took a sharp turn in another direction. Nothing happened at first, but then one drunk night we hooked up, went out for 24 hours, until she cheated on me with the ex.

Needless to say, I was broken over this, and I commenced a tirade of guilt-inducing behaviour to get her back, which is not conducive to any form of healthy relationship, friendship or otherwise.

We are still very good friends today, but our friendship before was AMAZING. Something was lost in the process.

Now, I have some thoughts on all this....

- It may be different if the friend in the relationship showing romantic interest is female rather than male. In my experience, you have 2 weeks between befriending a girl and entering the "Friend Zone", after which you will never be sexually attractive to her, and a relationship will not work. I don't think the same is true for guys, and maybe he's been waiting for you to show interest in him the whole time. Guys rarely invest a significant amount of time or emotion in a long and intense friendship with a girl unless they are attracted to her, or gay. I know that sounds hectic, but largely, its true.

- In response to this:



In my experience, keeping quiet about your feeling can be the most dangerous thing you can do. It is very easy to invest too much in someone based on the hope that something might happen romantically one day in the future. You end up ignoring everyone else around you. It's best to get everything out in the open, and if it doesn't work, what have you really lost? A friend who will never show you the attention you want from them. That's plain frustrating, and probably better to avoid in the long run.

well, he's not gay - and i know he also loves me, but i'm afraid that it might be more love for a good friend :/ and if by the off chance that he has been waiting for me to make a move - he might wait a long time more(i don't do the first move thing)

and in the end, i'm willing to rather hide my feelings for him than lose his friendship. i've fine tuned the ability to hide my feelings to a fine art - i don't like ppl that is over emotional, so i tend to hide mine as to not seem naggy bout it ... sad, i know :/

sR-StanDarsh - yep, that's what i know in my head. The problem is that I am having difficulty listening to my head since my heart is too loud

Still rix, I've never met a guy who's gone out of his way to make friends with a girl if he didn't want her romantically. Just my experience.

Demon - be careful dude, I got stuck chasing this girl for 3 years without giving another girl a single thought. 3 years of my life!! And all I got when I finally hooked up with her was heartbroken when she cheated on me 24 hours later. If you think your heart is loud now, wait till it screams at you after that kind of disappointment.

but the question is still - wtf am i supposed to do ? my heart is breaking here :`(

I dont think itz sad, just honourable. At least, I follow a similar duty/mindet myself.



If there were no consequances, then what would your actions be? The final solution always has to come down to this, either calmly skirting around the edges waiting for the situation to resolve itself, or through yourself face forward. If he truly loves you for a friend and understands you, trust that friendship to understand your feelings and survive your telling: I think the only person you do have to worry about is his girlfriend and her reaction, not his. If he is as you say he is, trust that to sort out the aftermath.

i'd tell him in a heartbeat :/ but the fact of the matter is that he has a gf, and no matter how i try to deny it - it's still there

Well, the biggest unknown here is his opinion on the the matter, so try to get that resolved. Bring up the subject surreptitiously with him by chatting about the situation as tho it was happening to one of your other friends. Something like:

"You know my friend <insert female friend that he doesn't know here> is having a rough time over this problem ...."

Try to investigate his feelings by asking him, as a guy, what advice you should give your "friend". It may sound cliche'd, but if done sneakily enough, its the ultimate investigation tool.

Hey!

Well heres my 2cents worth:)

Ive known this girl for about 3 years right just as friends tho..i did have feelings for her but decided to hide them like your doin now.

Then one night i met her and her b/f together and needless to say the green eyed monster showed its ugly head,i pulled her aside and told her just how much i care for her and you know what the funny thing is?She has been feeling the same way for a while too..now if i didnt tell her i would have never have known this and now shes everything ive ever wanted in a girl,and i consider her to be my soul mate and the past 4months that we have been dating have been the happiest of my life!) and i now know that i would have regretted it 4ever if i didnt say sumthin!

So tell him what have you got to lose...youll never know until you try besides you might be pleasantly surprised at what you will find!and if you dont tell him you might be missing out on your one chance at finding mr right!

Later

Im all for telling someone your feelings and I always say take a chance on love. But that doesn't take into account the other girl, and im sorry, as much as I love Rix, there is the matter of the other girl. It's just not right...not as I see it.

And to answer Fudzy, my dad and grandparents told me. My mom explained it all to my dad so he knew he didn't have to worry.

that's the thing - i already know he's mister right :/

and the things that is stopping me from telling him,
1.)is distance - mebbe it was a good thing that he moved down to cape town :/
2.)and his g/f(see below)

and the thing is that lee(his g/f) asked me to consider moving down to ct as well, to share a house with them she trusts me fully

On a side note, the fact that you feel like you feel, and that you are considering this before rushing in foolishly bespeaks tonns about your character, and is massive asset to you as a person.

I cant give any advice, cause its not me, and its not my life. Just make sure you are happy with what you are doing and that you think you are doing what's right. That way, whatever happens, you at least did it with pure intentions.

Best of luck Rick, we're here for you always!

tnx, mo *lix*

it's by far the hardest decision i have to make ever

Rix personally in my situation I had teh exact same problem with my gf... I've know her for 6 years. Started out as friends until I relised that I had very very strong feelings towards her. The only problem was that I lived in a different city to her. So I saw very little of her, even her brother made fun of me. (cos it's like this entire group that we use to hang around with.) Each time I saw her she was with some guy. An she finally figured out from her brother that I had feelings for her and this made things really uncomfortable between us.

Anyhow years passed and my feeling was still there until one day she asked me to a dance! This was the time when she was single. Would you believe it... but as fate would have it a week before this dance she was got setup with a blind date to go to another dance. Things developed from there and out goes me

Well a year later she decided to go on a tour of Taiwan which co-incidiently I was going to be there... Things happened and 6 months later we were together...

So moral of the story... only time would tell. If you push this feeling you have for the other person you might just make things worse if you don't know how they feel about you. Maybe try to find out from a friend of his to see if there's anything going on.

thing is - i don't think he'll believe me when i do that. i'm pretty good at giving other ppl advice, and sorting through the feelings. so i don't know if his answers will be truthful :/

Oh Rix, you poor woman! My heart goes out to you and your situation. I've read the other thread on this, and I must say I feel for you.

Ultimately, you're going to have to decide what you value most, his friendship, or the possibility for something more.

If he hasn't considered the possibilities himself, that's a problem. Perhaps the question shouldn't be masked, but asked right out, "why didn't we ever get together?" Asking him in this fashion would open him up to reveal if he had considered it, and moreover what stopped him. Also, it should open up the lines of communication on that regard as well. Give it a shot. At least you're both talking about it, and it doesn't threaten his current situation.

This situation really reminds me of "My Best Friend's Wedding."

In the end, its important to remember your superlative value as a woman. Even if things don't work out, your value doesn't change.

I wish you all the best and hope that your dreams come true.

i was in this exact same situation not more than a year ago, with one of my best Girl Friends...

All i can say is tell him, if you're friendship is really strong it will survive it...

I told my friend that time, she asked for some time to think about it, well i gave her the time she needed, we still went out & visited each other! I never brought it up again untill the day she came to me & said she made her choice...

Well sorry to say it wasn't what i hoped for, but happy to say a Year on we are still friends & know what, our friendship is now stronger than then, cause we bouth know 100% where we stand & there is no more hiding of feeling...

I must say, she was very patient the first 3weeks or so after she told me it will be just friendship, while i dealed with the feelings...

I haven't regted telling her one bit, the best that could have happend was she could have said yes, the "worst" (& i put it in "" cause i had great after affects) was she could say no, but that forced me to deal with it & know what i'm glad i had too, cause now in my current relationship i can give 100% & there is no hidden feeling for someone els...

now that is more like it - i can go for that approach

thanx ppl, u've all given me a different perspective on things - the thing that i needed most!!! and here i was thinking that i lost all my marbles, and getting on my way to looney land

i'm not gonna jump right in and phone him, but consider the best approach to either find out if i'm ready to maybe lose his friendship but tell him, or analize my feelings and work through it, keeping his friendship.

it might sound if i'm overthinking things, but that's just the way i am. and this is a far too important decision to just rush through it .

Good Luck Rix!!! We are for you!!!!!

*lix* tnx Fishfly

ffs, that is enough to unsettle me again

i just got an sms from him that says: "If special means sweet ... If special means kind ... If special means thoughtful and dear .. If special means wonderful .. THEN special must surely mean YOU! Luv u!"

and then all i wanna do is tell him how much i love him

think it's time again for a good cry

Blegh rix

You gotta tell him what's on ur mind. All this stuff he's saying is screwing with ur head...

It's time for you to issue him an ultimatum.

:/

:/

Rix, Im so sorry

I had something similar happen to me. Similar sort of thing happened, But I shut up about it, and I do regret it but I couldn't bring myself to break up something, I was too good friends with her to mess anything she had going up.


But love hurts the most when the
person you love has no idea how you feel.

SOOOOOO agree with. Its the worst thing possible, but somethime somethings are best left unsaid (only sometimes, very very rarely). I really can't say what you should do, its hard to decide.

But what ever happens Good Luck

tnx, Methias

it's always easier to know that u aren't the only sucker that is going / had gone through this situation ... at the moment though i'm still pondering what to do, i'm not gonna rush into a decision

Unfortunatly I don't know an easy way to sort it out (how is it that these type of things always end up hurting?).

But ye, think about what you are gonna do, and one thing, when you decide on what to do don't regret it, you'll keep on kicking yourself for a long time afterwards if you do (Ye I know its hard but that decision you made at that time was the best you could have done so don't kill yourself over it)

hmm, wise advice

I'd be very careful about reading too much into that sms. He could be saying he luvs you in a friend way, or perhaps it was part of the message. It sounds like one of those quotes you get if you sms 'love' to 35050*

* Note: I have never made use of this cheesy service, I write my own beautiful sms poems

[closed by request of the topic starter]
kbaai