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 Mar 4 2009, 04:28 AM
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#1
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 Senior Member  Group: Senior Posts: 326 Joined: 1-November 07 Member No.: 10,805 Sex: Male  |
Whats your thoughts? QUOTE I dare you to visit Johannesburg, the city for softies
[b]It’s the least frightening place on earth, yet everyone speaks of how many times they’ve been killed that day[/b] Jeremy Clarkson [/color] [color="black"]Every city needs a snappy one-word handle to pull in the tourists and the investors. So, when you think of Paris, you think of love; when you think of New York, you think of shopping; and when you think of London – despite the best efforts of new Labour to steer you in the direction of Darcus Howe – you think of beefeaters and Mrs Queen. Rome has its architecture. Sydney has its bridge. Venice has its sewage and Johannesburg has its crime. Yup, Jo’burg – the subject of this morning’s missive – is where you go if you want to be carjacked, shot, stabbed, killed and eaten. You could tell your mother you were going on a package holiday to Kabul, with a stopover in Haiti and Detroit, and she wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But tell her you’re going to Jo’burg and she’ll be absolutely convinced that you’ll come home with no wallet, no watch and no head. Jo’burg has a fearsome global reputation for being utterly terrifying, a lawless Wild West frontier town paralysed by corruption and disease. But I’ve spent quite a bit of time there over the past three years and I can reveal that it’s all nonsense. If crime is so bad then how come, the other day, the front-page lead in the city’s main newspaper concerned the theft of a computer from one of the local schools? I’m not joking. The paper even ran a massive picture of the desk where the computer used to sit. It was the least interesting picture I’ve ever seen in a newspaper. But then it would be, because this was one of the least interesting crimes. “Pah,” said the armed guard who’d been charged with escorting me each day from my hotel to the Coca-Cola dome where I was performing a stage version of Top Gear. Quite why he was armed I have absolutely no idea, because all we passed was garden centres and shops selling tropical fish tanks. Now I’m sorry, but if it’s true that the streets are a war zone, and you run the risk of being shot every time you set foot outside your front door, then, yes, I can see you might risk a trip to the shops for some food. But a fish tank? An ornamental pot for your garden? It doesn’t ring true. Look Jo’burg up on Wikipedia and it tells you it’s now one of the most violent cities in the world . . . but it adds in brackets “citation needed”. That’s like saying Gordon Brown is a two-eyed British genius (citation needed). Honestly? Johannesburg is Milton Keynes with thunderstorms. You go out. You have a lovely ostrich. You drink some delicious wine and you walk back to your hotel, all warm and comfy. It’s the least frightening place on earth. So why does every single person there wrap themselves up in razor wire and fit their cars with flame-throwers and speak of how many times they’ve been killed that day? What are they trying to prove? Next year South Africa will play host to the football World Cup. The opening and closing matches will be played in Jo’burg, and no one’s going to go if they think they will be stabbed. The locals even seem to accept this, as at the new airport terminal only six passport booths have been set aside for non-South African residents. At first it’s baffling. Why ruin the reputation of your city and risk the success of the footballing World Cup to fuel a story that plainly isn’t true? There is no litter and no graffiti. I’ve sauntered through Soweto on a number of occasions now, swinging a Nikon round my head, with no effect. You stand more chance of being mugged in Monte Carlo. Time and again I was told I could buy an AK47 for 100 rand – about £7. But when I said, “Okay, let’s go and get one”, no one had the first idea where to start looking. And they were even more clueless when I asked about bullets. As I bought yet another agreeable carved doll from yet another agreeable black person, I wanted to ring up those idiots who compile surveys of the best and worst places to live and say: “Why do you keep banging on about Vancouver, you idiots? Jo’burg’s way better.” Instead, however, I sat down and tried to work out why the locals paint their city as the eighth circle of hell. And I think I have an answer. It’s because they want to save the lions in the Kruger National Park. I promise I am not making this up. Every night, people in Mozambique pack up their possessions and set off on foot through the Kruger for a new life in the quiet, bougainvillea-lined streets of Jo’burg. And very often these poor unfortunate souls are eaten by the big cats. That, you may imagine, is bad news for the families of those who’ve been devoured. But actually it’s even worse for Johnny Lion. You see, a great many people in Mozambique have Aids, and the fact is this: if you can catch HIV from someone’s blood or saliva during a bout of tender love-making, you can be assured you will catch it if you wolf the person down whole. Even if you are called Clarence and you have a mane. At present, it’s estimated that there are 2,000 lions in the Kruger National Park and studies suggest 90% have feline Aids. Some vets suggest the epidemic was started by lions eating the lungs of diseased buffalos. But there are growing claims from experts in the field that, actually, refugees are the biggest problem. That’s clearly the answer, then. Johannesburgians are telling the world they live in a shit-hole to save their lions. That’s the sort of people they are. And so, if you are thinking about going to the World Cup next year, don’t hesitate. The exchange rate’s good, the food is superb, the weather’s lovely and, thanks to some serious economic self-sacrifice, Kruger is still full of animals. The word, then, I’d choose to describe Jo’burg is “tranquil”. [size="2"][/size] |
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Mar 4 2009, 08:30 AM
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#2
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 flamesuit: engage!  Group: Administration Posts: 3,352 Joined: 30-January 04 From: The Boneyard Member No.: 2,543 Sex: Male |
Maybe he should've visited the 'hood instead of being holed up in his five-star hotel.
Personally I find it irritating that a motoring journalist makes a couple trips to South Africa and then passes such a sweeping judgement. I wonder how many times he or a member of his family has suffered because of violent crime? -------------------- |
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Mar 4 2009, 11:04 PM
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#3
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Senior Member Group: Senior Posts: 326 Joined: 1-November 07 Member No.: 10,805 Sex: Male |
Yeah i dont think he's been here long enough to pass judgement... some of his comments (re: Kruger park) i found to be a tad bit annoying and condescending...
 he did encourage tourism though which is a good thing  . I dont think SA is the safest place but i also dont think you're gonna get stabbed the moment you walk out of your maximum security home 
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Mar 5 2009, 01:01 AM
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#4
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flamesuit: engage! Group: Administration Posts: 3,352 Joined: 30-January 04 From: The Boneyard Member No.: 2,543 Sex: Male |
It reminds me about a story that happened to the author Bill Bryson. He was talking about crime and violence and he recalled his first visit to South Africa: he arrived, stepped out of the airport and was promptly mugged and relieved of all of his possessions.
I'd like to hear HIS take on Clarkson's article 
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Mar 5 2009, 01:56 AM
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 Inspired by JC  Group: V9 Mod Posts: 5,942 Joined: 22-April 02 From: The School Of Hard Knocks Member No.: 91 Sex: Male |
I paraphrase what Chris Rock said when he did a show in JHB:
Hello Johannesburg! I have finally made it! *crowd goes wild* And I can't wait to get the fuck up on up outta here! -------------------- "Bigotry and hatred are enemies to us all. Grace, mercy and forgiveness will help a man walk tall." - John Mellencamp "There are more things in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - Hamlet "I'd rather be a failure at something I love, than a success at something I hate." - George Burns |
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Mar 5 2009, 04:39 AM
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#6
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 Senior Member Group: Senior Posts: 105 Joined: 29-January 09 From: N.N. Member No.: 14,746 Sex: Female |
Funny, I read the article and all I see is positive. I don't see him as passing judgement on us. in fact I see him passing judgement on those doing the "surveys" etc.
BTW - Jeremy Clarkson has been a newspaper columnist loooooooooong before he became a motoring journalist, and he is still a newspaper columnist, as well as a motoring journalist |
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Mar 8 2009, 11:42 PM
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#7
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 funky cow Group: Administration Posts: 1,291 Joined: 27-April 02 From: In teh pastures Member No.: 162 Sex: Male |
lol, feline aids. I enjoy that
 But yeah, he is seeing the 5 start side of it and the tourist bad side of it (bus tour through soweto type thing). I think you really have to live in it to experience it because if you are passing through 1 week a year the odds are nothing will happen to you -------------------- |
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Mar 9 2009, 01:11 AM
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#8
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 Full Member Group: Senior Posts: 861 Joined: 26-July 05 From: Cape Town - SA Member No.: 4,935 Sex: Female |
clarkson's article about jhb is actually quite misleading.... i agree with rust.... i have family and friends up in jhb and almost all of them have been a victim of crime over the years.... people who live in jhb can say what they say about the place because they the ones who actually have to live there for more than a week or two and they the ones who have experienced and or witnessed violent crimes... other than that i cant say much because i havent experienced jhb for longer than a week...
and his comments on the kruger lions? not cool!! -------------------- Dr. Tobias Funke: "I'm afraid I prematurely shot my wad, on what was supposed to be a dry run if you will. So, I'm afraid I have something of a mess on my hands."
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Mar 9 2009, 10:59 PM
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#9
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 ^ It's apple juice! ^ Group: V9 Mod Posts: 2,598 Joined: 21-April 02 From: JHB, South Africa Member No.: 59 Sex: Male |
*sigh*
Anybody ever heard of tongue in cheek before? -------------------- "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." Thomas A. Edison |
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Mar 9 2009, 11:25 PM
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#10
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Senior Member Group: Senior Posts: 326 Joined: 1-November 07 Member No.: 10,805 Sex: Male |
yip but i still dont like him taking the piss...
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Mar 10 2009, 11:15 AM
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#11
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 Scientology is going to be the real-life Brotherhood of Nod, wit  Group: Elite Posts: 2,161 Joined: 13-August 04 From: Randburg - Jhb Member No.: 3,528 Sex: Male |
I LOVE JHB!
There, I said it! It really is an awesome place to live. I would rate CT up with the best if it wasnt for the brainpower-and-ambition-sapping-mountain! People there just seems slower and more laid back than their jhb counterparts In the pre-dawn hours of Sunday morning, someone drove through our complex wall. By 5pm, the body corporate organised a guard to guard the gaping hole in our wall. LMAO. Typical whities... we live in one of the safest suburbs, with burglar bars on every window, but OH NOES!!!!! theres a hole in our wall! Someone must guard it! |
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Mar 11 2009, 01:09 AM
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#12
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Full Member Group: Senior Posts: 861 Joined: 26-July 05 From: Cape Town - SA Member No.: 4,935 Sex: Female |
QUOTE People there just seems slower and more laid back than their jhb counterparts hey!! lol |
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Mar 11 2009, 05:06 AM
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#13
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Senior Member Group: Senior Posts: 105 Joined: 29-January 09 From: N.N. Member No.: 14,746 Sex: Female |
Haha "FLAME ON!"
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Mar 26 2009, 07:40 AM
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#14
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 Regular Member  Group: Junior Posts: 10 Joined: 14-March 09 Member No.: 15,778 Sex: Female |
Could be that there are so many car jackings that it just isn't news any more. Whereas a school computer........
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May 28 2009, 01:24 PM
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#15
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Member Group: Junior Posts: 2 Joined: 28-May 09 Member No.: 16,816 Sex: Male |
This is such a great resource that you are providing and you give it away for free. I love seeing websites that understand the value of providing a quality resource for free. It’s the old what goes around comes around routine. Did you acquired lots of links and I see lots of trackbacks?
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Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 21st March 2010 - 04:19 AM |