What did the Hindus say when mad cow disease came to India?

"The Gods must be crazy!"

What do you call an Irishman that's been buried for a thousand years?

Peat

Here are some more lame...umm...I mean funny jokes...

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
JOHN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SILVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the sameday sametime."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are
no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

A grade one class is reporting to the teacher about their activities over the holidays.
Johnny Says, "I went on the choo-choo"

The teacher replies, "Johnny its not a choo-choo, its a train"

Bianca says, "I went away with my mommy"

The teacher replies, "We are in big school now and its not mommy, its mother"

The teacher then asks Timmy what he did.

He replies, "I went and watched Winnie-the-shit"




Little Johnny is in class one day and he asks the teacher a question 'What's so bad about Germany?'
The teacher has a freak attack and sends Johnny to the headmaster.
The headmaster is surprised to see Johnny in his office since Johnny is a straight A student and does well in all things he participates in.
So, the headmaster asks 'Johhny might i ask why you are here? you're such a good student, you get straight a's for all your subject and do well in everything you participate in'
Johnny replies 'Well, thank you Mr headmaster, but the reason i'm here is i was in class and i asked a question, Mr Mackey sent me to you'
The headmaster was outraged that a student could be kicked out of class for asking a question, so he asked Johnny what the question he asked was.
Johnny replied tentatively 'What's so bad about Germany?'
The headmaster has a freak and expells Johnny for asking such a disgusting question.
By this time Johnny is very traumatised and makes his way home.
He walks through thye back door and his mom sees him crying, she being a caring mother asks Johnny why he's crying and home so early.
Johnny told his mom that he was in class when he asked the teacher a question, he was sent to the headmaster for this and then he explained the whole situation to the headmaster who then expelled him.
The mother was rather angry that he got expelled for asking a question in class, after all isn't that why one goes to school? To get questions answered?
The mother was really puzzled since Johnny was such a pleasure to bring up and a joy to have around.
She was intriqued by what the question could be, so she asked.
'Johnny what kind of a question could get you expelled? After all, you're a charming little boy, you don't say any naughty words or give any back chat.'
Johnny replied anxiously 'What's so bad about Germany'
The mother had a baby right there in the kitchen. She sent Johnny to his bedroom grounding him for life and telling him his dad will sought this out when he gets home.
Johnny didn't mind being sent to his room since he had a computer, tv and playstation2 in there. He wondered why his mom didn't send him to her room.
So he waited in his room.
When his dad came home, he went to johnny and asked why he upset his mom so much.
Johnny replied 'Well dad, i was in class today when i asked a question, the teacher sent me to the headmaster who in turn expelled me. When i got home, i explained the story to mom who sent me to my room and grounded me for life'
The dad was rather amazed that his perfect son who made the starting line of little league got into so much trouble.
So he asked Johnny what the question was.
Johnny replied in a scared tone '..Whats so bad about Germany?..'
His father passed a kidney stone from the shock, and threw Johnny out of the window and told him to never come back!
Now little Johnny wsa rather traumatised from the whole experience, so he wondered into the bad parts of his neighbourhood.
He was later picked up by a passing cop, who knew little Johnny.
He was interested to find out how he got there and so continued to ask.
'Johnny why aren't you at home with your family?'
Johnny replied 'Well sir, today in class i asked a question, the teacher sent me to the headmaster who expelled me. When i got home i told my mother and she sent me to my room grounding me for life. My dad heard the story form me and then threw me out of the family and told me to never come back. So here i am'
The cop was pissed off that a family could be so harsh, after all, Little Johnny had no criminal record and helped out in the community wherever he could.
The cop asked 'What was the question?'
'What's so bad about Germany'
The cop stopped right there and threw him out of the car. Johnny was distraught and made his way across the road and all of a sudden got hit by a Putco Bus.

Moral of the story --> look left and right and then left again before you cross the road!

ph34r my l337 joke!

Setting: The Garden Of Eden.

This takes place after Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit...

God: Eve, because of what you have done, you will have to pay! You will bleed for the rest of your life!

Eve: Can I pay you off in monthly installments?

( I love this joke! )

Sies! Lobo, that's disgusting. If you had to deal with it, that would not be nearly half as funny! Gah! <_<

I've always preffered the maxim:

- South Park

This one is gonna piss everybody off, but I'm gonna post it anyway:

It has been said that Hansie Cronje was buried and not cremated this week.
The reason: No one was prepared to throw the match!

Finally! Mystique makes a post over here!

It's just a joke in any case - and I do appreciate (for lack of a better word) what you women have to go through to maintain life on Earth.

I have my battle shield ready for when Angeldust reads it though! She is the feminist movement's

Don't tell me that was just to get us ladies to post? It's still disgusting.

And Merlin, careful there love Just as long as that isn't a personal motto...

Nah, it wasn't. It just poped into my sick little head at the time... Women have laughed at it before too. You are the first female I know to object like that to it, but like I said, it's just a joke.

A young couple was in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.
"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."
With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants."
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your damn attitude changes!"



Two tall trees were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them.

One tree said to the other: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The other said he could not tell.

Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling.

The tall tree said, "Woodpecker, you're a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker took a taste of the small tree.

He replied, "Neither. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig. When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said, "Paddy, me ol'mate, how are we going to tell who owns which fookin' Pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one of te ears off my fookin Pig, and ten we can tell them apart." "Ah, dat id be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy stormed into the house. "Paddy" he said, "Your fookin Pig has chewed the ear off my fookin Pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with one ear each. How are we going to tell who owns which fookin pig.?" "Well Paddy," says Paddy,"I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll ave two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear". "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Again, this worked fine until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house. "Paddy", he said, "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig!!!. Now, we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears!!!. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah, dis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy. " I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut de tail offa my fookin pig. Den we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and..........you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more. "PADDY," shouted Paddy, "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG, AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. HOW DE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah, Fook it" says Paddy, "how's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one"

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.
One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

Joe Hill and his new wife, Phyllis, were vacationing in Europe, as it happens in Transylvania. They were driving a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Joe could barely see 10 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Joe attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Joe shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his new wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Joe knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Joe carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks. A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door.

Joe immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Joe Hill, and this is my wife, Phyllis. We've been hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replies the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in and I will get him."

Joe brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs.

"I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Phyllis and carries her downstairs, with Joe following closely. Igor places Phyllis on a table in the lab. Joe collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries; so Igor places Joe on an adjoining table. After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried.

"Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion."

Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Joe and Phyllis Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upsets Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his pipe organ. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. As the music fills the lab, his eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Phyllis Hill's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Joe's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Phyllis sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master...

"Master, Master! . . . The Hills are alive with the sound of music!

Oh don't worry, dear... You know what my personal motto is ...

--------
A department store clerk was alarmed to see a blind man walk into the
store, pick up his seeing-eye dog, and swing it around in circles over
his head by it's tail. The clerk rushes over and asks, "Sir! Is
there something I can help you with?!"

The blind man says "No, thanks. I'm just looking around."
--------

As the person that sent this to me said: You gotta love it...

Here are a few...

A Budhist walks up to a hot dog salesman and says, "Make me one with everything"


A ventriliquist goes to visit his friend who is a farmer. While the farmer is showing his friend around, the ventriliquist decides to playa a prank on him. When walking past the cows, the cow seems to say, "Mr farmer. Your hands are so cold, can't you please heat up your hands before milking me?" The farmer is shocked and promptly promises to do so.
While walking past the chickens, one seems to say, "Hey, can't you come collect the eggs later, you always wake us up". Again the farmer promises to do so.
When they finally reached the sheep, the farmer turned to his friend and said, "Don't listen to the sheep. They're all liars!".


Did you hear about the ice-cream man who went to the blind Soccer World Cup?
He got kicked to death

Ray McAuley said to Hansie, "Faith can move Mountains"
He was wrong -sorry about that one, but i had to-

If you put an oriental in a chair and swing him around, does he become disoriented?

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. To his astonishment, the results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

Have you ever been to Hiroshima or Nagasaki? Its da bomb!

A mother and her 5 year old daughter were traveling in a packed 15 seater taxi in one of the SA famous big cities.

All passengers in the taxi were quiet after a long day at work. The taxi drove past an area where prostitutes were on almost every corner.

Asked the daughter "Mama who are those people?"

A difficult one for the mother......The mother paused for a while, trying to find an answer to the question. Replied the mother "They're sales people my child."

The taxi driver said in a very loud voice" You are lying, they're prostitutes"

The mother was not happy about the taxi driver's response and attitude.
After 30 minutes, asked the daughter" Mama do prostitutes bear children
too.?"

Replied the mother "Yes, my child, where do you think taxi drivers come from?"

Edit some more humour...

Neelsie betrap sy Pa en Ma in die kamer en vra ...
"Wat maak pa nou?"
Pa : "Ag ek gooi vir mammie net 'n bietjie petrol in !!"
Neelsie : " Jislike pa ... dan is ma baie swaar op juice, Oom Tinus het dan net gister volgemaak!..."



Some more...

A dark complexioned man finds a dusty old bottle in Soweto.
He dusts it off and a genie appears, offering him 3 wishes.
"E wanna de Maciedies" - Poof a big, black Merc appears.
"E wanna de beeg hows" - Poof a mansion appears.
"E wanna be white likka de baas - Poof he becomes white;
Lo and behold - Poof the car and the house vanish.
"How Wa!!! Wezma cah en hows?" To which the genie replies:
"You're a white man now, you must work for it!"